Ketchup

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2010-04-14T19:04:00.001-07:00

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There's A Whole Big World Out There, Jeffrey

2010-03-27T11:08:00.000-07:00

So I'm not on the net too much. It turns out there's a great wide wonderful galaxy full of semi-pro Jedi stunt warrior dudes on YouTube, and a lot of them are producing remarkably good sequences like this one. We've also found some really, really bad ones with awful sound quality, clumsy sabers, terrible choreography, and ridiculous effects... I guess those are the amateur and fanfic equivalents who will only get better with time.

In the meanwhile, get a load of this crazy action!!! It's even got character and plot arcs, albeit small arcs that are subservient to the duel (and rightfully so).

The Funniest Thing I've Seen All Week

2010-03-17T22:25:00.000-07:00

"That doesn't make any sense. You'll be dead! Next time, think before you speak..."

Now I'm Glad I Put My Eyes Back In

2010-03-14T11:46:00.001-07:00

It's stuff like this that keeps me going when the writing isn't coming easy or I'm up at 3 a.m. with the realization that if I'm even in the same ballpark as folks like Grisham and King, it's only as the guy who's selling hot dogs near the men's room on the third level of the stadium where you can't even see the scoreboard. :P

A fan recently emailed this photo of Plague War in stock among various nonfiction books on roughly the same subject. The photo was taken in the P/X on base where he's in the U.S. Army Chemical Corps dealing with WMD scenarios. So, you know, my novels are relaxing compared to his day job.

Thanks, man!

This Book Made Me Want To Poke My Eyeballs Out

2010-03-12T15:13:00.000-08:00

Gah! I've been absent again for two weeks. Why? As always I've been busy writing, busy familying, and busy busying.

Some good news in the meantime. A lot goes into a book ahead of publication and one of the things that's beginning to happen is pre-press endorsements, which is especially fun and amazing. It's unspeakably good to hear other professionals say positive things about your work. Writing is a lonely business.

Alas, I'm a shameless tease. I still can't tell you what the book's about, but get a load of this...

[name censored], bestselling author of [censored] and the forthcoming major studio release [censored], read the work-in-progress and had this to say:

"I knew Jeff could write. I've been a fan ever since he unleashed the nano plague on the world, but this new book is exciting. It's a quantum leap in terms of storytelling. I love the concept unreservedly. Love the writing to the point of jealousy. This guy's so ridiculously talented he makes me want to poke my eyeballs out, so without hesitation I can promise a glowing blurb and my full support for [title censored]. It's going to be a phenomenon."

Wow!!! Ya gotta love the sentiment. But... really? That's what they're going to put on the cover???

"This book made me want to mutilate my face."

Nice. :)

Hugo Award Recommendations

2010-03-02T17:17:00.000-08:00

So here's a 21st Century twist for you if you're eligible to vote for this year's Hugo Awards. No podcast has yet been nominated for a Hugo, but the award administrators changed the wording in 2009 to include "or the equivalent in other media," which makes a podcast eligible for an award. Apparently podcasts have always been eligible, but now it’s written in stone... so for your consideration, I'd like to point y'all toward the good people at StarShipSofa, not only for the excellent work they've done with my stories but for all the benchmarks they've hit with fiction, fact, interviews, and more.

There's a good article here on the subject.

As yet there is no particular category among the Hugos for a podcast, so I'd like to join in a nice little ongoing groundswell that's recommending StarShipSofa for Best Fanzine. Go nuts!

This Week's Joke

2010-02-26T13:12:00.000-08:00

My father recently forwarded me this email. I remember it from the last time it made the rounds, but I still think it's funny. So here's the Joke For The Week! :)

A prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus” offered by an English professor from the University of Colorado for an actual class assignment:

The professor told his class one day: "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right.

“As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth.

“Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

The following was turned in by two of his English students:

(first paragraph by Rebecca)

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

(second paragraph by Bill)

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A..S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

(Rebecca)

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. “Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her.

She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

(Bill)

Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dimwitted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty, the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan.

The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie.

(Rebecca)

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.

(Bill)

Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F--KING TEA??? Oh no, what am I to do? I'm such an airheaded bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!"

(Rebecca)

A$$h@le.

(Bill)

B*t*h!

(Rebecca)

F*** YOU – YOU NEANDERTHAL!!

(Bill)

In your dreams, Ho. Go drink some tea.

(TEACHER)
A+. I really liked this one.

Up, Down & Up Again

2010-02-18T11:33:00.000-08:00

It's been another crazy week, and, man, the writing life continues to be a rollercoaster ride of excitement, anxiety, gratification and despair. Of course it helps that I'm melodramatic as hell. ;)

Eight days ago I received contributor copies of Ennea #484, a Greek magazine which pays nicely in euros and recently published "Meme," my third story for them.

Five days ago I sold "Long Eyes" to Galaktika Magazine in Hungary, a new language for me, which is great fun. Heck, they also pay real money, which isn't always the case with overseas short fiction markets. (Often if there's a few bucks involved, it goes to the translator of the story, not the writer, who presumably has already sold it in his native country and is compensated for this new "sale" in contributor's copies and the additional exposure for novel sales.) Galaktika has been in circulation since 1972 and has twice been voted Europe's best SF magazine. Awesome!

In the meantime, though, I've been a sick puppy -- severe congestion, fatigue, headache. Two days ago I was coughing up blood. Not awesome! In fact, the word we're looking for is 'unnerving.' I've never done hacked up red stuff before. It's like something from the machine plague. :(

Fortunately, it was just a few specks of red and it's coming from back of my ragged throat, not my lungs, but holey moley. I like my blood inside me.

So I haven't been writing. I've been sleeping. Bleh. Anxiety!

But this same week the rollercoaster gave us another, larger upward twist with the sale of Plague Year in France. The publisher is Bibliotheque Interdite, described to me as "a young but dynamic publishing house that works with Games Workshop, but they are growing and becoming more and more important on the fiction market." If you jump on their web site, what you'll see is Warhammer Warhammer Warhammer. These guys run game tie-ins, which are insanely popular and also provide them with a nice, built-in audience for their new Eclipse line, which will soon debut with the likes of the Deathstalker books by Frank Frazetta, Steve Savile's Silver, R.E. Howard's Conan and some book by some guy about the nanopocalypse.

Am I enthused to be included with this media-friendly line-up? Hell, yes. I do sex and violence very well, and I have high hopes for that built-in audience. Ideally Plague Year will perform with solid numbers and they'll run the rest of the trilogy.

Savile and I go back a ways. He's on the back jacket of Plague Zone, remember, saying sweet things like "A high-octane thriller," and he tells me the publisher is a king. Fantastic.

!!! I'm Alive !!!

2010-02-11T13:58:00.000-08:00

Yes, I'm still alive, and I can't believe it's been nearly a month since my last update. The good news is there's been some good skiing and some good writing and things are good, only busy as usual. We just mailed our Christmas cards. Honestly.

A fan emailed last night to ask how the new book is going. Here's a photo I've been meaning to post.

This is a picture of the Sharp-Toothed Hand Duck alongside a massive pile of research. At this point, I believe I have over 600 pages of print-outs, clippings, brochures, and research papers. That's right. I've read way more material than the manuscript itself will be unless I want my agents and editors to kill me. As far as the ms. goes, we're looking at a 550 page whopper, max. More than that and I need to be writing epic fantasy, which I ain't.

Anyone care to guess the subject matter? Just put a microscope to this photo. I'm sure there are obvious clues... :)

Saturday Night's All Right With Me

2010-01-17T16:33:00.001-08:00

I spent last night at SFinSF, a literary program in San Francisco much like an intimate, two-panel con in the company of Bram Stoker Award winner Nancy Etchmendy, Hugo and Nebula Award winner Terry Bisson, and Dragon Scroll winner Chen Po -- you know, the Dragon Warrior. Sometimes being a writer is ass-whompingly cool.

How was your weekend?

!!! Cover art for the new book !!!

2010-01-11T13:18:00.000-08:00

Aha ha HA ha ha ha ha! I got you again, Kat!

I was going to call this entry "Rok Pandemie, or, I Think I See A Pattern Developing Here"... but honestly, messing with Kat's mind is just too sweet. ;)

This is the cover for the Czech edition of Plague Year, which I'm told is due out in February. Love the gas mask. Love the byline above the title. Love it love it love it. I think the whole concept has a stark, metallic feel almost like a Terminator movie poster, nicely offset by the caution grid across the bottom and the blood red biohazard symbol. Nicely done, BBArt! Also, the book is in hard cover, which is what every paperback writer dreams about. Wow.

Is it Christmas yet?

2010-01-07T14:30:00.001-08:00

Whoa. Where am I? The good news is that I've got a big fat chunk of the new book put together along with a tasty little outline to see me through the rest, so that feels good indeed. Also, there's been some powder skiing and you know how I like that! Alas, we still have yet to send out our Christmas cards... last year we didn't manage that until February 5th, a personal best... but hey, what's more important? Santa? Or the book?

In the meantime, I've finally posted my introduction for "Christmas Fire" on YouTube. Don't miss it! I'm wearing a funny hat. And... what's wrong with my face!?!

Clearly I'm going to have to change the thumbnail image. Don't blink or you'll miss it. Ha.

More soon. I swear it! :)

Merry Christmas, Julie Beauchain !

2009-12-23T10:05:00.001-08:00

My latest story for Asimov's, "A Lovely Little Christmas Fire," has just been released as a podcast on the ever-great Starship Sofa along with this awesome new cover art by Tom Bevan.

Burn, baby! Burn!

Our narrator for this wacky holiday adventure is the indomitable Amy H. Sturgis, who does yet another bang-up job with the high tech action and romance of ours heroes, Julie Beauchain and William Highsong.

Starship Sofa continues to be a fun show and I highly recommend 'em. Check it out here.

RIP, Dan O'Bannon

2009-12-20T09:44:00.000-08:00

One of my favorite writers died yesterday. (You all know Ketchup isn't exactly the hot spot of breaking news.)

I consider Dan O'Bannon among my early influences. Growing up in a sci fi household, I was just the right age to be W*O*W*ed when Alien hit theaters. Later, I discovered The Return of the Living Dead on my own, since my parents hadn't been interested in letting me watch this one as a young teenager... but I freaking LOVE zombie movies and Return is my second-favorite of the entire genre behind only Romero's Day Of The Dead, and that's only because Day has the awesomely disturbing revelation of Bub, a zombie, remembering things from his previous life. Plus the insane combat.

In Return, for the most part, the characters act intelligently throughout their apocalypse, which is a rarity in horror films, so that puts this film at the very top. Plus you've got Frank and Freddie blamming the bejeezus out of the split dog with a crutch.

"What are we going to do!?! What are we going to do!?!?"

"We're going to KILL IT!"

Wham!!!

Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Great stuff. Solid writing, sweet concepts. Rest in peace, Dan.

Destroying Sacramento (Again)

2009-12-13T12:44:00.000-08:00

Late as usual. That the new book is out during the holidays is *not* helping me keep up with things -- but what a great problem to have! Last Saturday I was in downtown Sacramento, the scene of the big finale of Plague Year, for an appearance on the CBS morning show with Lori White and Cody Stark followed by a Plague Zone signing at Book Lovers. The TV gig was especially cool; this was only my fifth TV appearance and I'm still kind of gaga about the lights and cameras and producers with headsets.

Foolishly, I do not have a photo of the Book Lovers event, which saw a nice crowd of 15+ people. There was a video camera running for those of you who've asked me to tape a book signing and put it on YouTube. In theory, I'll get the file converted and uploaded sometime before, oh, 2014. ;)

You find the two biggest clips from Good Day Sacramento here and here.

Marshal Zeringue with the Campaign for the American Reader has also posted the Page 69 Test for Plague Zone.

Holiday Round-up

2009-12-02T20:45:00.001-08:00

First of all, here's a sight to warm my heart for the holidays. Plague Zone is being racked on the New In Paperback towers nationwide in Barnes & Noble, which is a sweet triumph. This kind of display space is hotly contested, especially during the holiday shopping season, so I'm excited as heck that Penguin USA got behind the book. Go team!

Borders did not buy into Zone as heavily, so you won't find it on their front-of-store tables, but Borders has been in financial trouble for a good while now and they're slashing employees as well as inventory and I'm not exactly Stephen King, so this decision is just to be expected. I'm pleased enough that they're stocking 3 - 5 copies of Zone per store.

It's been a nutty week and a half. First of all, we had our Zone release party at my local Borders, where they've taken great care of me for the past few years. If you walk into their giant corner store in Pleasant Hill, California, you'll find a display of Carlson novels large enough to choke a herd of elephants, all of 'em autographed, too. The books, I mean. Not the elephants. Despite it being Thanksgiving weekend, we had a nice crowd of 20 people, including several complete strangers and one stone fan in particular who drove down to meet me. Thank you, Captain Bornmann!

In the meantime, like you haven't had enough of me already, Jeffrey's all over the net. You can find essays and interviews at

John Scalzi's Whatever

The Penguin USA Science Fiction & Fantasy Home Page

and The Penguin USA Daily Blog

Feast! Feast your eyes!

Coming soon, I've also recently taped appearances on Sci Fi Overdrive and NBC's "Tech Now." I'm also slated to appear live on "Good Day Sacramento" this Saturday morning around 7 - 7:30am leading into my event at Book Lovers in town at 1pm. Be there or be triangular!

More soon.

One Of The Good Guys, or, Don't Be Afraid If You Meet This Dude In A Dark Alley

2009-11-24T00:34:00.000-08:00

Here's something to make my day. If you've ever heard one of my interviews or been to a book signing, you've surely heard me remark on the fact that I spend too much time alone in a room with a laptop. It's always a pleasure to hear from real people out there in the world who enjoy the work.

Well, get a load of this lovely maniac! This is Brian C., Super Fan, who first contacted me after Plague Year came into the world. He was waiting outside his local chain last night for today's release of Plague Zone. In a hazmat suit. Because how else will we be safe from the nanopocalypse!?!!?!

That is AWESOME!

(The sign taped to the door doesn't say "Masked Lunatics Not Allowed," btw, it says "We Will Be Closed Thanksgiving Day.")

I'm told that he was neither tased by the police nor dragged away screaming. In fact, the Powell's staff calmly informed him that they would indeed have Zone in stock today and Mr. C went home happy.

Me, too.

My New Book Is Out!!!

2009-11-23T18:10:00.000-08:00

Wait a minute... Top shelf. Right. What book is this? Bwah ha ha.

This is photo of Nano and Plasma from a fan in Germany. Plague Zone isn't due until tomorrow, and, remember, I'm not exactly Harry Potter, so the chains won't be knifing open their boxes of books at 12:01am tonight.

I expect Zone will be widely shelved and available by Black Friday and this Thanksgiving weekend (at least, I certainly hope so), but it is a December book and sometimes stores take a little time to unload. Zone will definitely be available online at the stroke of midnight.

Exciting stuff.

In the meantime, I recorded an interview with David Durica of the nationally syndicated radio program Sci Fi Overdrive this morning, which will air in the next week or two. More as I learn it.

Guest blog on io9.com

2009-11-05T16:41:00.000-08:00

Nobody tells me anything! :)

About a month ago, I wrote a guest blog for sci fi site io9.com on the subject of post-apocalyptic fiction. Apparently they went live with it last week. It’s fun stuff. Deep Literary Thoughts With Jeff.

You can find it here.

Free excerpt of PLAGUE ZONE now online

2009-10-29T14:42:00.000-07:00

Yep, it’s true! The first chapter of Plague Zone is now available. But be warned! If you haven’t read Year and War yet, your eyes may be permanently seared by the spoilers inherent in the third book. ;)

You can find it here.

New Books & Book News

2009-10-26T20:17:00.000-07:00

I would be remiss if I didn't mention here to everyone and anyone in the San Francisco Bay Area that my friend Emerian Rich, the vampire herself, is having a book release party this Friday at 7pm at Bay Books in Concord. There will be prizes and people with long teeth. And food. In fact, some of us may become food for the people with the long teeth... But they'll be gentle, I'm sure.

Come! Come and participate in the madness!

The party is for the print debut of Emerian's righteously popular podionovel Night's Knights. If you say you don't like the cover art, well, dude, you lie like a Persian rug.

In other exciting news, Plague Zone is also in print. No, it's not available yet, not unless you're me and they sent you author's copies. Bwah ha ha ha ha! But I'm contractually prohibited from passing out the book until the official release date, which isn't until 11/24.

The exciting news is that the first print run of Zone puts me well over 100,000 books in print worldwide. With the German and Spanish editions of Year and War, I was already very close to the 100K mark. In fact, all of a sudden I'm much closer to 150K books in print, and there are other editions coming right on down the pipeline. Some of the European print-runs will be very small, of course. Romania just isn't a big country. But I hope to hit 200K next year. Maybe more.

It's true that I know any number of writers whose initial print runs for a single title is 100 or even 200K, so this would be small change to them, but I'm still getting my feet under me and I'm excited to hit six digits with just my third book. It's a milestone. So the ice cream is on me.

World's Most Awesome Book Review

2009-10-23T14:23:00.000-07:00

I know a lot of readers and writers who like to bash Dan Brown. I'm not one of them. As far as thrillers go, I thought Angels & Demons was far better constructed than The Da Vinci Code, which was full of cardboard and coincidences, but even so Code was a good entertainment and the man obviously hit a popular nerve. I mean, hey, the idea that Jesus was having sex is awesome. We should all come up with such high-concept material.

I haven't read The Lost Symbol yet -- I hardly read at all anymore, which is a shame, and I'll surely wait for it to come out in paperback -- but I had to laugh when my father forwarded me this prominent national review. As someone who has to face the critics' music himself, I felt for the guy.

Thumbs down.

"This lame non-thriller took him five years? What the hell?" --Newsweek.

The emphasis is not mine. That's how they wrote it. Ouch!!!

New story in Asimov's

2009-10-14T13:47:00.001-07:00

So I'm excited to share the news that I have a nice long new story in Asimov's and, surprise, I made the cover! Wow! Nobody tells me anything! I mean, the artwork must be for Nick Wolven's story, but look at that splashy little bit of love just above the bar code. Who is that guy?!?!

Uh, I'm also told there's a full page ad for Plague Zone in this issue, which is pretty rockin'. It's always awesome to get some love from Ace/Penguin USA.

More to the point, the story itself is a jolly biotech-and-special-weapons adventure set in Missoula, Montana, where our heroine Julie Beauchain returns with her sidekick Thomas Highsong for another unique, sexy, mayhem-filled caper. "Christmas Fire" is one of my favorites, like "Gunfight" before it, because these stories are light-hearted action comedies unlike most of the very dark thrillers I'm known for.

Also fun: "Christmas Fire" has been published simultaneously in Germany in Piper Verlag's Das Fest Der Elfen anthology (Elves' Christmas). This story has also sold already in the Czech Republic, where it's slated to appear in Pevnost Magazine in December 2010.

So run! Run to your nearest book store or news stand! The bugs are coming!!! What bugs? The hyper-active gene-altered Heterotermes aureus machovsky termite swarms! Gaaaah!!!